Mood: terrible.
Watching: House of Flying Daggers

Last night was something I never expected to happen and I was scared for my own safety.

Matt gave me the number for the NJ Department of Human Services Abuse Hotline after I called him and was in tears..shaking...because of all that had happened.

What happened...In a nutshell, my mother confronted me about some issues with my gym teacher after I got home..and it turned into a huge screaming match. My mom had me pinned in the corner of the kitchen and was screaming into my ear that I was a liar, and I didn't care about anything, and that I thought she was a piece of shit and I had no respect for anyone. She was mocking me, making little baby noises as I cryed so hard I could barely stand up. She told me that I make it sound like everyone is out to get me and I just want everyone to feel sorry for me. I couldn't breathe and the whole room started spinning. I lost it. I told her to get the fuck away from me. Then I heard him coming and I knew it was over. My stepdad came charging at me and stuck his finger in my face..pinning me even harder into the corner in the kitchen and told me "If you ever speak to your mother like that again I'll straighten those teeth in your mouth REAL fast". So I told him to hit me. I wanted him to. Just to make him happy. He took a step back and balled up his fist and went for me...but my mom grabbed his arm and told him to stop...I had lost my voice from screaming and I was shaking so violently I could barely hold myself up. She kept grabbing me and telling me to look at her and to answer her...but I couldnt. I was petrified. She finally backed off and I managed to get up to my room and try calling people. I called the only two people I have numbers for...Lauren and Nicole. Nicole was at work and I felt horrible for bringing Lauren into this. I wanted to leave so bad. I needed to. But my stepfather had locked the front door and was sitting on the sofa downstairs near the door.
So I finally did it. After all this screaming and my mother making me feel like I'll amount to nothing...I called. The hotline person told me flat out that I needed to tell her exactly what happened. She could tell by my voice I was scared. She told me to lock my bedroom door because she was sending the police to check on me. I sat on the phone with her until they came. 4 officers were standing on my front porch as I looked outside to check if anyone had come yet. My stepfather came charging up the steps and hammered on the door saying.. "Allison! The police are here, are you happy?" He stood outside my door until one of the officers told him to come downstairs. I went downstairs and one of the officers took me into the other room and they asked me what happened. And I told them. They made me feel like such an ass. Because they were asking me if he hit me, or he physically hurt me. And he didn't. He just threatened to. I heard my stepfather telling them what happened. He told them that I tried to hit my mother! Which is complete and utter bullshit. They then started explaining to them that I've been hospitalized for attempted suicide. Which all made them think I was the bad person in this situation. They asked me if I had taken my meds today, and I said yes. They questioned me and my parents some more and then all but one of the officers left. DYFS was on their way. Before the DYFS worked for there, my older stepbrother showed up. He probably heard the call on his radio because he's a volunteer at the firehouse near us. He took my sister home with him. My sister was the only one who knew what really went on. And my brother took her away. When the DYFS workers got here. It was ridiculous. I basically got told that my parents have the authority to yell at me if I did something wrong and I felt like such a smacked ass. I tried to explain to them all that happened, but they just kept bringing it back to the stupid fucking situation with me and my gym teacher. They then brought my parents into the room and sent me out so they could talk to them. I could hear everything. They made it a point to explain to them that I was in the hospital twice and that I had tried to kill myself and I was in counseling for all this crap...which made them think I was just a drama queen looking for some attention. These people are a joke. They then brought me back into the room and we ALL got to sit there and talk. I got sick to my stomach as the woman told me that I was still a child and my parents had the right to discipline me....because as they said this my stepfather got this disgusting cocky grin on his face. They made ME agree to stop screaming and learn to "discuss" things with my mother. They gave my mom and stepdad a smack on the wrist and told them to just let things be until tommorow and let me go to bed. They asked me one last time if I was afraid for my safety after they left. I told them yes I was. They told me "Now is there really any sort of a horrible abusive relationship in this house? I dont think so...so I'm gonna ask you again." So I shrugged and told them I felt safe. I gave up. I felt like a smacked ass. They all made me feel like such an idiot. Instead of telling my mom she maybe needed some counseling, they gave me mother pamphlets on suicide hotlines and anger management counseling and free support groups for youth who need some extra "guidance".
I called these people because I was afraid, and my parents simply got a smack on the wrist and in turn made me feel like an idiot. Thanks. My mother is at work right now and I think my stepfather went up to the mountains this weekend like they planned. I still haven't seen my sister since last night...and I know she was upset because of all of this. I have work at 4 until 10 so hopefully that means I won't have to deal with anyone again tonight. I can't handle it right now.



[UPDATED 5/11/05]
I hate this.
I hate them.

I had such a nice time with Lauren and Anne today at the movies, and of course. It was completely ruined.
I walked in the house to hear my mother gabbing on the telephone with someone about the fact that I "called DYFS on them." and I heard her say something along the lines "well if she wants to start acting like an adult, we'll show her." Then she heard me and started whispering.

She came into the kitchen just to tell my a man from DYFS called. They're coming to the house tommorow night to interview my little sister, Jennifer, so that they dont have to go to her school and "embarrass her". And that apparently DYFS wants proof I called my psychiatrist and made an appointment so I can "start getting help."

My mother and stepfather also stopped doing my wash. They do everyone elses, but now I have to do my own. My mother stopped giving me money for lunch during the week. And neither of them are speaking to me except when they absolutely have to.


I can't handle this much longer.
I haven't felt this lonely and low in years.
My family hates me, and all I feel like doing anymore is crying.
I have no money, and I still need to just fucking graduate.
I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of being treated like this....


I sit down and I think. I wish my stepfather had hit me in the face. Then maybe these people would fucking realize something. I don't want to live here anymore. I wake up and no one even says good morning or hello. I go to bed and no one says a word to me...except for Matt if I'm on the phone with him.

I've been throwing up again. And the dibilitating pains my stomach are back. I hunched over in my bedroom earlier and just cried because of the fact that my stomach hurt so badly. I don't like telling people about these things. But venting is something that I NEED to do right now.

23 days.